Note: This text is an excerpt with three of five examples from the zine “Who Cares - Wer sorgt sich hier um wen?” by Patriarchat Zerschmetterlinge (Instagram: @patriarchat_zerschmetterlinge).
Emotional work takes place in many small, everyday situations. Who reflects on their own relationships? Who feels responsible for addressing something? Who cares, who takes on the emotional load? In order to make emotional work visible, we have prepared five dialogues as examples in which an unequal distribution of emotional work takes place.
These dialogues should serve as real-life examples to make emotional work visible and to reflect on it: Where does emotional work take place? In a second step, one can reflect on how emotional work has been unequally distributed: Why is this situation unfair?
We have summarised our answers to these questions in relation to the dialogues at the end of the text. However, as there are no unambiguously correct answers to the questions, our comments do not claim to be exhaustive. Other answers may also be possible.
Overload
Loris and Quinn are in a romantic, monogamous relationship. Loris confesses to Quinn that dey has cheated. Loris is very depressed and gets lost in negative feelings.
Loris: Honey, I'm really sorry that I cheated. It was only one kiss, but I still feel terrible.
Quinn: I'm afraid one kiss is enough. My trust is really shot. How can I trust that this won't happen again in the future? These thoughts are driving me completely crazy.
Loris: I know, I wouldn't trust myself anymore either. I really don't know what was going on in my fucking head. It's a mystery to me how I could do that. I'm feeling super shitty myself! I've been in an emotional low ever since.
Quinn: Yeah, it's a hard time for both of us. I feel really fooled by you...
Loris: (interrupting) Yeah I know, you must feel like shit. I'm such an asshole. Why are you still being so nice to me after my horrible behaviour? I don't deserve you still talking to me now.
Quinn: Hey you, beating yourself up like that is totally unconstructive. Yes, you made a mistake. But that doesn't make you a bad person! Yes, you hurt me a lot. But let's learn something from it for our relationship! How can we rebuild our trust?
Loris: Only because of me we have to suffer so much now. It's my fault. You deserve better than me! I should stay single forever.
Rooster in the basket
Maris and Klaus (cis male) have just met on a dance floor. Now they are both standing together at the bar chatting. Klaus and Maris make small talk about trivial things.
Klaus: It's really nice that we met here! I love chatting with random people. It's really my favourite thing to do at festivals.
Maris: Yes, totally! We could stand around here for hours and talk about anything.
Klaus: Oh, I have to tell you something. Yesterday I talked to my mum on the phone and cried.
Maris: (surprised) Oh no.. Why did you have to cry?
Klaus: Well, it's really complicated right now. My grandma, my mum's mother, died a month ago and now it feels like the whole family is falling apart. For years there has been this smouldering conflict between the siblings, but now that the mother has died, the whole thing is boiling up again. ... (explains the conflict)
Maris: (listens)
Klaus: Do you have some advice for me? With my male friends here at the festival I just can't talk about it very well.
a person is an island
Julier and Sidney are friends who occasionally have sex. Sidney has not been comfortable with the situation for a while, but has never addressed it before. After another unsatisfactory meeting, Sidney decides to end this kind of relationship.
Sidney: Hey Julier, I want to end our sexual relationship. I've been thinking about it for a very long time, but now I've made the decision.
Julier: (surprised) Oh, that takes me by surprise. I didn't know anything was bothering you about our relationship!
Sidney: That's nothing new. It's always the same: every time we have sex, you're always so absent afterwards and often want to leave right away. I just didn't imagine it to be like this!
Julier: (surprised) Okay, good to hear that from you! I wasn't aware that it bothered you. Actually, I really like cuddling too... I had understood that we only want to date for casual sex and that cuddling is not part of it?
Sidney: No, we never agreed on that. But it doesn't matter now, I definitely don't want to go on like this. Let's just stay friends.
Julier: (disappointed) Too bad. I’ve liked our arrangement very much and have always enjoyed the time with you. And we could have talked about cuddling!
Sidney: I don't want you to change for me. It's just not right. Let's just accept it as it is.
Our answers
Overload
Loris cheated on Quinn and hurt dey with it. This is a painful situation for both of them, however Loris bears the responsibility that it has come to this. It would be appropriate for Loris to back off and give Quinn the space to express her feelings. However, the conversation quickly turns to Loris' feelings, which puts Quinn in the uncomfortable and stressful position of taking care of Loris (emotional work). There is no discussion about the actual conflict. In this situation it is also legitimate for Loris to lose himself in the negative feelings. However, Quinn should not be the person who catches Loris.
Rooster in the basket
Klaus feels the need to talk about the situation in his family. In the conversation with Maris, Klaus brings up this sensitive subject without asking. Maris has practically no possibility of avoiding the conversation and listens to Klaus (emotional work). Klaus provides himself with emotional relief without taking Maris' capacities into account. At the same time, Klaus is not alone and would have the opportunity to talk about this conflict with his own friends. However, Klaus prefers to talk to a non-man. This dynamic reproduces prevailing role models and forces non-cis men to do unpaid work.
a person is an island:
Sidney has not felt comfortable in the relationship with Julier for some time. But Sidney prefers to deal with this point of conflict alone and does not want to burden Julier with it (lack of emotional work). The consequence: the negative feelings built up and swelled in Sidney until it came to the decision to separate. It didn't have to come to that, because both of them might have found a solution in the confrontation with Julier. But Julier did not get this chance, instead dey was presented with accomplished facts. Ultimately, Sidney did not want to be vulnerable and deprived the relationship of the opportunity to be actively shaped by both sides. There is also an expectation here that relationships should "just work easily”. However, this often means that one part would have to anticipate and fulfil the other person's feelings (emotional labour) without any conversation and effort being invested by both sides.