I think I can talk about feelings quite well. I'm empathetic, I'm good at cuddling, hugging, being there for people when I have the mental resources, and I'm good at opening up. At least that's what some of my female friends tell me. So I am one of those 'modern' and sensitive men. One who has shed traditional masculinity requirements¹? One of the good ones?
Mein Freund*innenkreis ist tatsächlich überwiegend cis¹ weiblich. Ich fühle mich gerade in engeren Beziehungen oft mit cis Frauen wohler als mit cis Männern. Das zeigt sich besonders dann, wenn es darum geht über Gefühle reden, sie zu verstehen, Schwäche und Unsicherheit zu zeigen und zu Kuscheln. Das sind Dinge, die nicht den typischen Männlichkeitsanforderungen² entsprechen und die damit nicht unter cis Männern gemacht werden, sondern traditionellerweise eher (Liebes-)Beziehungen mit cis Frauen bieten sollen. Dinge, die auch ich doch eher mit cis Frauen als mit cis Männern mache.
Apart from the internalized³ homo hostility⁴ that characterizes physical intimacy with male friends, it simply feels more comfortable with women in my environment to talk about feelings and show closeness.
With them, I don't feel like I'm putting myself at a disadvantage in some underlying power struggle, nor do I have to give a logical explanation for my feelings of discomfort. They ask more often and more seriously how I feel, can understand or sort out (even confused) feelings better and listen more carefully. They are just not cis men/boys in whose presence these topics are traditionally dismissed at most incidentally and if at all with a "head up" mentality, as I have learned.
It certainly doesn't apply to every one of my male friendships. But of course I too have been shaped by how relationships between men are acted out and portrayed in our society & the media - even if I don't like to admit it because I can putatively distance myself from it. And at the same time, boys are never really taught how to deal with feelings and emotional intimacy - especially in male contexts.
So it's hardly surprising that, on the other hand, I'm better at being there for women, listening to them and giving them emotional closeness. While I get affection and possibly even (feminist) recognition from women in my environment when I offer emotional support, it is often a bumpy road with cis men to reveal my feelings or to ask for them and to be really accessible.
think this is due to habit and my image of male friendships on the one hand. And on the other hand due to a male dynamic that I also fall back into regularly and with 'modern' and progressive men: competition & rivalry. Then maybe it's not about who wins at wrestling, but who is more feminist, 'woker⁵' or more sensitive. Who can cook better? Who gets more angry about sexism? Who listens better to those affected? Who criticizes pop culture and society more accurately? Who is more self-critical? Who do more feminist friends like? Who communicates better with their partner?
It sucks. It bugs me that I think like that. And it bugs me that this competition also shows itself in precisely those moments when it comes to feelings and insecurities. Because despite - or perhaps because of - all the self-reflection and feminist debate, I end up sitting face to face with a man to whom I now suddenly want to prove how self-critical I am, how much I can reflect on myself. Instead of really losing face for once, admitting excessive demands and weakness, or talking about how I fail at my own feminist demands, a small new competition for a "critical masculinity" ignites in me: showing weakness, but only if it is a strength.
❓Questions for reflection
Especially for the cis men & boys: Consider making plans with a good friend and reading the text together. Take some time to talk about it:
- Does the text apply to you and your cis male friendships? Why / Why not?
- Who do you prefer to talk to about feelings, insecurities, weaknesses, and how you deal with your masculinities?
- Are you afraid that friendships might get weird if you bring up something like this among cis men?
- Are you afraid of rejection or losing face if you talk to people about your weaknesses? Does it have an impact if the person you're talking to is cis male?
- In your male friendships, do you feel like you have to prove yourself in some way to be accepted or gain recognition? e.g., by being strong in performance, in sports, being well liked among (cis) women, drinking a lot, being particularly political or feminist....
- Lädst du deinen emotionalen Ballast / deine emotionalen Bedürfnisse bei weiblichen Freund*innen bzw. FLINTA⁵* ab?
ℹ️ Explanation of terms:
¹Cisgender/cis-gender: For cisgender people, gender identity corresponds to the sex they were assigned at birth based on the social classification of their genitalia.
²Requirements of masculinity : Societal images and expectations of what is masculine and how boys and men are supposed to behave or act: What they like, how they appear, what they can do, all around: what is typical for them. All those who want to be recognised as boys or men have to deal with these demands.
³internalize: To accept or absorb an idea, opinion, belief, social prejudice and discrimination etc. so that it becomes part of your character.
⁴Homo hostility: Homo hostility refers to discrimination against gay and lesbian people. It is expressed, for example, through rejection, anger, intolerance, prejudice, discomfort or physical or psychological violence towards gay and lesbian people or people who are perceived as gay or lesbian. We prefer the term "homo hostility" because "homophobia" sounds like it is not a free choice to discriminate against gay people. A phobia, on the other hand, is a diagnosis that is very difficult to fight.
⁵FLINTA*: Women, Lesbians, Inter people, Trans people, Non-binary people, Agender people. The * asterisk indicates the constructed nature of the categories includes people who do not place themselves in one of the above categories or who are (co-)included. It is a collective term for people who are oppressed by patriarchy and/or experience patriarchal violence.