Answer 1
Even though there is of course a lot that frustrates me about the content of the text, the long and tough process of writing it was particularly frustrating for me. It showed me once again how lost many guys are when it comes to dealing with their own misogyny and writing down where they are in the process. That's not to say that I think dudes should be in perpetual self-reflection about themselves. It's important to support feminist work and struggles from a cis male perspective too. However, I also think it's important to deal with the traits of your own sexism in a way that isn't just superficial, theoretical and abstract.
What also really frustrated me in the process was realizing how little indignation, frustration, anger and sadness the author himself has about his own misogyny. When reading the text and especially in the process surrounding the text, much of the inherent misogyny seems “somehow bad”, “shouldn't be like this” and “I don't really want it to be like this”. But what I rarely heard in conversations was real frustration and anger, real horror at all the shit you carry inside you. And that's actually the very first thing you should feel when you see parts of your own misogyny in black and white, isn't it? ( RIGHT???)
I find it less frightening that the people (and especially cis-het men) with whom I do feminist work are also not free of sexism and patriarchy in their minds. After countless tough and failed perpetrator trials in political (feminist) groups, this unfortunately no longer really surprises me. But what I find frightening and sobering is when these things don't leave you horrified, angry and sad, and don't trigger a desire to get rid of this misogyny at all costs. And that's probably the problem after all.
Answer 2
In the text from a cis hetero male perspective, I miss the reflection on responsibility and dealing with mistakes. After all, mistakes are the best way to learn and grow from them – whether they are your own or those of people around you.
So often I have observed that people do not take responsibility for their own behavior. Instead, I have frequently experienced people not listening to me or trying to manipulate me after I have addressed patriarchal abuses. Other people's perspectives are extremely important when it comes to becoming aware of the mistakes we tend to turn a blind eye to because they are unpleasant and can hurt. In my experience, FLINTA* persons take this necessary work upon themselves more willingly. I see no reason to make an exception for cis hetero dudes – including the author of the self-reflection.
Everyone has those spots where people are reluctant to look. For me, that is part of being human. Just like the ambivalence and imperfection that becomes clear in his text. A person once said to me “actually, everyone is a miserable sausage”. I had to think about that quite strongly at the end of the self-reflection text.
I've also experienced times when I wasn't able to take responsibility for my behavior. I think it's all the more important to make up for this as soon as possible again. Of course, it would be better if I could do this on my own. But just hoping for it is not enough. Until then, we should hold each other accountable instead of taking responsibility for others and thus promote everyone's ability to relate instead of overburdening ourselves.
We need to be with each other. We should listen to each other, show compassion for each other in an appropriate way, but not sink into the other person's self-pity. Of course, within a framework in which we do not serve as a puppet for another person's ego and ignore our own needs in the process.
Answer 3
While last week's text was being written, I had to keep adjusting my expectations downwards. At the beginning, I had more or less hoped that we would publish the perfect blueprint text for feminist self-reflection. I was challenged to realize how much helplessness, untouched feelings and sexist structures are brought to light even in a cis man friend who had been organized as a feminist for years when he was asked to reflect on his own misogyny. I and we as a group had to ask ourselves how much softness and loving care we would allow to support this process and how much clear edge and sharp criticism we would bring to the inadequacies and visible sexisms. Despite, and perhaps because of my dissatisfactions and ambiguities about my relationship to this text and the creation process:
I really miss what this text is in groups of friends, families, communities and political groups! Not as a public statement, but as a way to practice and normalize dealing with the shit that we bring with us, in all its disgusting, dangerous, misunderstood facets. We are not good people, and there are no 'good men' in that sense either. We are the people that a disgusting, patriarchal, racist and capitalist system has made us into, at least in part – even if we have the opportunity and responsibility to work on ourselves and on the power structures that shape us.
And we should rather look at how we work together (politically), love each other and take care of each other in the knowledge that we are. The idea that we have to be 'good people' or 'good leftists' and therefore we never behave in a racist, sexist or ableist¹ way (although the latter is a more recent claim in many contexts, if at all) is bullshit. We can't work on these structures if we don't address them.
The statement: “I'm behaving like shit” without implying “I'm just like that and therefore don't take responsibility/change anything/work on it”, without wanting to make a name for myself with “I'm actually pretty awesome because I've figured it all out and reflected on it”, without suddenly focusing on “I'm such a bad person, take pity on me” and without the paralyzing and counterproductive “I hate myself, can't have any needs, don't feel good, everything would be better if I disappeared”. is so rare! But I think that's exactly what we need to learn. And our tolerance for ambiguity will probably be challenged:
I am glad that we have published the text in this form. At the same time, I am disappointed that some of the author's processes seem to have come to a standstill. Furthermore, while the text was being written, I repeatedly accused the author of self-flagellating self-denial and sex-negativity, for example in connection with industrial mainstream pornography. I had the impulse to say that it is not a feminist position to condemn his desires as cis-hetero-male per se as problematic and patriarchal, even if they have to do with gendered power dynamics.
All these doubts, the harsh criticism, the approval, the loving support and the complex discussions of content must somehow simultaneously find space in me in response to the text – not so different from my own confrontation with my own more privileged positionings. In any case, I realize that I want this exchange, as long as it doesn't get out of hand. It must remain central for me to lead the political and structural struggles that attack the structures and systems that underlie all of this. On the other hand, the basis for these struggles is trust that we can form a coalition with the same goal. And without such an exchange, I cannot imagine this trust.
ℹ️Explaination of terms:
¹Ableism: Discrimination, devaluation, hatred and violence against people with disabilities because of their disability. The term also refers to the structural conditions and interpretations of the non-disabled dominant society, which evaluates people and their bodies according to performance.
Here the working definition by @TalilaLewis, developed in community with disabled Black/negatively racialized folks:
A system of assigning value to people's bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normalcy, productivity, desirability, intelligence, excellence, and fitness. These constructed ideas are deeply rooted in eugenics, anti-Blackness, misogyny, colonialism, imperialism, and capitalism. This systemic oppression that leads to people and society determining people's value based on their culture, age, language, appearance, religion, birth or living place, "health/wellness", and/or their ability to satisfactorily re/produce, "excel" and "behave." You do not have to be disabled to experience ableism.
We also recommend the (german) book 'Behinderung und Ableismus' by Andrea Schöne.
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