Konsens – und damit meine ich nicht nur die Frage nach der Zustimmung, sondern die gesamte Kommunikation über die Kommunikation von Bedürfnissen und Grenzen – macht meine Beziehungen zu anderen Menschen liebevoller und tiefer.
In the process, we also talk about our gender roles, heteronormativity, and sexual violence. Sometimes I then have the illusion that I can overcome all these structural problems in my individual relationships with people if I just talk about them enough. And because I think it's just an illusion, I think it's important to also look at the limits of the consent principle.
Rona Torenz has explained some of the problems of the consent principle in her book: "Ja heißt Ja?" (German for “Yes means Yes´").
Rona Torenz has explained some of the problems of the consent principle in her book: "Ja heißt Ja?" (german for “Yes means Yes´").
The focus on clear and unambiguous communication is intended to counteract the perpetrator narrative that one would not have been aware of the rejection of the person experiencing violence. However, the demand for clear communication implies that misunderstandings are the cause of sexualized violence. Thus, on the one hand, precisely this narrative is strengthened and, on the other hand, the focus is shifted - away from gender relations to misunderstandings as the cause(s) of sexualized violence.
By this I do not mean that communication cannot have a preventive effect, but only that consent does not prevent every act of sexualized violence. For there are people who willingly violate the boundaries of others. Communication can only have a preventive effect if all the people involved want to avoid transgressions of boundaries that happen unintentionally.
However, I think it's important to emphasize that this should not be a matter of evading responsibility through superficial consent.
If people really want to have consensual sex with each other, it should rather be about sharing responsibility. This also means talking about how you want to deal with boundary violations together. First and foremost, of course, this should involve looking together at what the person whose boundaries have been violated needs. But it can also be about analyzing situations in terms of social power relations and talking about how to deal with guilt.
Another central communication proposal in the consent principle is freedom from preconditions. By this it is meant to ask for consent before any action, in order to break down the sexual scripts we have internalized. By these scripts we mean the sequence of events we expect in sexual encounters - first flirting, exchanging "innocent" touches, kissing, then groping, and finally (penetrative) sex. They usually presuppose the presence of an active and passive part, and in the prevailing heteronormative notions of sex, the former is associated as male and the latter as female.
To break down these expectations of sexual encounters, the principle of freedom from preconditions should be asked before each step. This is to counteract the hierarchizing of physical closeness - that is, the classification of certain touches or actions as less intimate to very intimate. For example, a touch on the breasts or genitals is considered more intimate than a kiss. From this follows the assumption that if the more "intimate" act is consented to, then all less intimate acts are also "okay." But it could also be that I like you to fondle my breasts and kiss them while cuddling, but I don't want to make out with you.
However, the idea of being able to break down heteronormative ideas about sex in this way does not take into account that we have internalized these role models and expectations. This can make it difficult or scary to say "no" in some situations. This can be the case, for example, when someone invites you out for a few drinks and you then feel obligated to have sex with that person. In addition to the possibility of physical or psychological violence, social consequences can also be frightening, such as fearing that your partner will leave you.
Another point that reinforces heteronormativity in the consent principle is that one person asks for consent before an action and the other refuses or agrees. This again indirectly reinforces the image of an active and potentially encroaching male part and a passive female part. In attempting to see consent as a rational negotiation, one disguises power imbalances by conveying equality.
Thus, consent is not an individual solution that is free from existing power relations, but can even reinforce them. For me, however, it is a concept that makes it more bearable that I will probably never be able to completely banish patriarchy from my bed.
But in order to make the implementation as less hierarchical as possible, it is important to me, on the one hand, to explicitly mention that consent is also meant for men. Especially in heterosexual contexts I have the feeling that men practice consent out of "consideration" and responsibility towards their partner. And in this intention, role expectations are reflected. Whether in heterosexual or queer contexts, men don't always have to want everything, make all the decisions, be the "active part," or always know what they feel like. Consent is for everyone.
On the other hand, I would like to encourage understanding consent more as a collaborative process and not just as a question-answer model. Consent can be about talking about needs and about not knowing what you like. About making plans for what you want to try together. And about boundaries and how to handle it when boundaries are crossed. And about how and when you want to communicate during sex - whether verbally or non-verbally, whether before each act or just at the beginning. All that collaborative negotiation and taking responsibility for each other can be consent.
This text is based on and summarizes some of the insights from the books "Yes means Yes?" (German for “Yes means Yes´") by Rona Torenz and "Rape" by Mithu Sanyal. We would like to recommend these books to you for a deeper discussion.
ℹ️ Explanation of terms:
¹sexualized violence: – see July
²Heteronormativity: Culture and social structure that assumes that it is 'normal' and desirable to belong to one of the two normalised genders (male or female) without any doubt according to biologically defined physical characteristics and to desire the other of these two genders, to live with them in love relationships and sexuality, to father children in the long term and to live together in a family, thereby also fulfilling gender norms on the behavioural and work division level, in relation to intimacy and sexuality, etc. to fulfil gender norms. This normativity is justified by the fact that the meaning of gender and sexuality is biological procreation (alternatively: willed by God). All those who do not fit into these templates are discriminated against in a heteronormative society.
³Perpetrator narrative: – Erzählungen über eine Situation aus Perspektive des*der Täter*in, mit der Intention, die Grenzverletzung zu verharmlosen, zu rechtfertigen und/oder die vom Übergriff betroffene Person als unglaubwürdig darzustellen