I'm such a really critical man. The kind who keeps his legs close together on the bus, takes the rubbish down, cares for family members, does little visible tasks, talks about his feelings and sometimes even cries. More even. I deal with topics like intersectional¹ feminism or sexualised violence, give workshops, try to build structures for those affected and write texts for this calendar. I have practically ticked off everything on the spoken or unspoken checklist for a critical cis² man. So I'm a real care bear. All is well with the world.
If only there wasn't this annoying thing called reality. This thing that is unfortunately not as clear as the theoretical content from the workshops. This thing where, unfortunately, it also does me relatively little good to convince myself that uncertainty is, after all, a good thing. This thing that makes the abolition of the category of gender and thus also masculinity not so tangible after all, as described in the great critical texts.
This critical engagement with masculinities then often means the following: Agreeing, reproducing and above all doing what feminist authors write and FLINTA*³ in my environment say and demand. (In the first place, this is also a big part of what they demand and is what brought me here in the first place).
Trotzdem offenbart sich eine Problematik, die ich bei vielen “kritischen” cis Männern in meinem Umfeld sehe. Sobald keine FLINTA*³ da sind, die sagen was zu tun ist oder niemand die Universallösung aus dem Lieblingspodcast parat hat, stehen wir da und machen: nichts. Wir sind aufgeschmissen, drehen uns um uns selbst und fühlen uns hilflos. Warum muss eigentlich immer alles so schwierig sein? Auf einmal haben wir doch alle furchtbare Angst etwas falsch zu machen. Unser Selbstbild als kritische Männer könnte ja Kratzer bekommen.
This happens especially often when it really comes to doing something instead of just talking smart in a vacuum.
The same often happens when dealing with assaults or sexualised violence.
In the end, it is FLINTA*³ who sweep up the mess and make sure that something happens at all.
It is just as difficult with issues where not "everyone" agrees. What do I do if a cis² woman in my environment is transphobic⁴? How do I deal with the fact that the discussion of feminism in my environment is mainly from a white, well-off perspective? Or even worse: how do I deal with the fact that the view I have simply parroted or the behaviour I have simply adopted is criticised in another FLINTA*³ environment? Especially because FLINTA*³ are not a homogeneous group, even if the new binary narrative often makes it sound that way. My desire to get a "simple" answer should not lead me to ignore that there can be many perspectives and conflicts in these groups and that there is not one universally valid "FLINTA*³ opinion". weißer, wohlsituierter Perspektive erfolgt? Oder noch schlimmer: Wie gehe ich damit um, dass die Ansicht, die ich einfach nachgeplappert habe oder die Verhaltensweise, die ich einfach übernommen habe in einem anderen FLINTA*³-Umfeld kritisiert wird? Vor allem, weil FLINTA*³ keine homogene Gruppe sind, auch wenn das im neuen binären Narrativ häufig so klingt. Mein Wunsch danach eine “einfache” Antwort zu bekommen, sollte mich nicht dazu bringen zu ignorieren, dass es in diesen Gruppen sehr viele Perspektiven und Konflikte geben kann und es nicht die eine universal gültige “FLINTA*³-Meinung” gibt.
Nevertheless, what often happens then is this: I become exactly what Bilke Schnibbe describes in a text as "critical man-babies". Helplessness in the guise of critical masculinity. Until a FLINTA*³ mommy⁵ comes and gets me out of it.5 kommt und mich da raus holt.
From my point of view, however, I and no other cis² man will be able to avoid developing their own opinion on feminist issues, to represent it and to act accordingly. It is essential to regularly question oneself, to accept criticism and to put it into practice. This must not be a free pass for mansplaining or for ignoring the experiences of those affected. Rather, it must be the beginning of the end of the category of gender. Otherwise, critical men will just remain man-babies who end up standing around in the way rather than helping.
ℹ️ Explanation of terms:
¹¹intersectional: see door 18
²¹Cisgender/cis-gender: For cisgender people, gender identity corresponds to the sex they were assigned at birth based on the social classification of their genitalia.
³FLINTA*Women, Lesbians, Inter people, Trans people, Non-binary people, Agender people. The * asterisk indicates the constructed nature of the categories includes people who do not place themselves in one of the above categories or who are (co-)included. It is a collective term for people who are oppressed by patriarchy and/or experience patriarchal violence.
⁴transphobic : Transphobia refers to discrimination against trans people. This is expressed, for example, through rejection, anger, intolerance, prejudice, discomfort or physical or psychological violence towards trans people or people who are perceived as trans.
⁵FLINTA*-Mami: : In my case, this means a person who tells me what I should do and thus relieves me of the responsibility of forming my own opinion. She is supposed to take over the sovereignty of interpretation.
➡Recommendations
Critical Man-Babies by Bilke Schnibbe on helpless attempts by left-wing men to deal with sexualised violence (in german)