Note: This text is an excerpt from the zine “Who Cares - Wer sorgt sich hier um wen?” by Patriarchat Zerschmetterlinge (Instagram: @patriarchat_zerschmetterlinge).
The fact that emotional labor is so unequally distributed and that people feel different degrees of responsibility for it is not an immutable state of affairs. To effect change, we believe it takes visibility, appreciation, and intentional planning and reflection.
Visibility. Primarily through language and vocabulary - Only if it can be named at all what people do in terms of emotional work can others take it on.
Appreciation. Emotional labor must no longer be taken for granted or equated with love. It must be regarded as a mandatory prerequisite on all sides for interpersonal relationships.
Conscious planning and reflection. Often there is a lack of experience in doing emotional work, but also in demanding it from the other person. However, reflecting on this and developing joint solutions, as well as regular appointments to talk, can help a lot.
On the following pages, we describe possible strategies for more equitably distributed and sustainable Emotional Work. Of course, the list is not complete and you can add more ideas!
Reflect on your own emotions
In order to do Emotional Work in a relationship, you have to be aware of your own emotions and needs. This does not happen automatically, but is an active part of Emotional Work. If this is difficult, it is best to consciously take time to reflect on your emotions and the relationships you are in.
Possible questions to ask are:
- How am I currently doing with my relationships?
- What feels good / what doesn't feel so good?
- What needs do I have? Are these being met?
Reflecting on yourself and your relationships is not a one-time thing, but should ideally happen regularly in your daily life.
Conscious appointments for emotional work
If possible, communicate the topics beforehand, so that everyone involved has enough time to think about them.
- Set a time limit to stay focused and emotionally available, e.g. only talk for an hour and if necessary postpone to another meeting.
- Also possible on a regular basis (e.g. 1x a month), this automatically creates a space to reflect on the relationship on a regular basis:
- How am I currently doing in the relationship?
- What feels good / what doesn't feel so good?
- What needs do I have? Are these being met?
- What would I like to see in the future? What can I change?
- What can the other person change?
- In combination with conversation techniques
- Paraphrasing and inquiring
- Nonviolent communication, etc.
Consent
How can Emotional Work be consensual?
1st possibility:
- A person has freely offered to do Emotional Work with you without coercion (e.g., "Do you like to talk to me? I like to listen.")
2nd possibility:
- Ask. Important here:
- Don't ask a yes-no question, because that can put pressure on the other person. A positive example would be: "Something pretty gross happened at work that I'd like to talk about. If you're in a position to hear about it right now, let me know, but if not, I totally understand."
- Be as specific as possible about what exactly your need is and what kind of Emotional Work would be good for you. e.g. "I'm having a really difficult week and it would be helpful if someone came to me. I don't want to talk about things though. Does that sound like something you can do? If not, don't worry, I'll ask others then."
Create care network
Every person needs support from other people, because we all don't feel so good sometimes. That is very human.
Unfortunately, it is especially difficult to approach other people and ask for help in crisis situations. Then it is obvious to turn only to a close trusted person (e.g. partner). However, being there for one person alone is a lot of responsibility and can build up a lot of pressure. It is very helpful to be aware of who would offer support and what that support looks like before a crisis occurs. Make a list of people you would like to talk to about your emotional issues. Let these people know and discuss what support you can offer each other in a potential crisis. This list should not only include FLINTA*s!
This way, in case of need, it is clear who is there for you. And all people involved can be considerate of their capacities, because there is never just one person who is there.
Show appreciation
Emotional labor takes place constantly and everywhere in our daily lives, and we all benefit from it. Nevertheless, these activities are usually not recognized as effort and made invisible by the perception of self-evidence. In order to fairly share Emotional Labor, we must learn to value it and become aware of the ways in which Emotional Labor supports us.
Ways to value Emotional Labor:
- Thank the person who did Emotional Labor for you! (Especially if a person has addressed a problem).
- Be specific about what helped you.
- Also share your appreciation with those around you and make visible how other people support you.
- Offer Emotional Work yourself.
- Expand your skills in emotional work and educate yourself further.
Actively demand emotional work
Ideally, a person should not be forced to request emotional work. However, this is often necessary in practice.
For fairly distributed emotional work, the initiative of the other person is a must. So you can also demand it: the person should also think about the relationship, e.g. with these concrete questions:
- What do you actually appreciate and like about me as a person - why are you friends with me?
- What specifically do you value about our friendship - what is important to you about our relationship?
- Is there something you feel is missing in our friendship? How could we work together to fill that void(s)?
Strike
Being able to do emotional work is a great skill. This work is valuable and important; we need more of it, not less.
So why would it make sense to strike Emotional Labor? Unfortunately, when Emotional Labor is done, the effort is usually not recognized and thus remains invisible. Striking something that others take for granted helps create visibility.
When Emotional Labor is suddenly not done, it is noticed. The Union for Emotional Workers (GEA) calls a strike every year in the month before March 8 (feminist struggle day).