Content note: sexist & ableist insult
When I was 14 years old, groups of boys were formed in my circle. At first, we were united by our common activities: School or club sports, but soon we were also drinking alcohol, going out at night, gaming, smoking joints or shisha.
The time began when everything became a competition: Who could drink the most? Who was the best at Call of Duty or soccer? Who texted with the prettiest girls? Who had the biggest penis? Who got invited to the party? Who doesn't? Of course, that wasn't always stated so explicitly, but it was there nonetheless. I often had the feeling that friendships were no longer about having fun or spending a good time together, but only about who was actually better at something and who set the tone.
A way of interacting was created in which we permanently hurt each other, humiliated each other and pushed each other up again. I was not aware of or simply did not care that "jokes" and insults like "You drink like a girl.", "Are you retarded?", "She has an ugly face, but I would fuck her anyway." or permanent "mother jokes" etc. reproduced discrimination of marginalized groups. It was part of asserting oneself, of being recognized. And this male recognition in my environment gave me self-confidence. With the group behind my back, I could be one of "the strong ones": be loud in public, break things in anger, or catcall girls/women.
In the 15 years, our group of friends has hardly evolved. We are still connected by video games, drugs, techno music and work/university. When you know each other for such a long time, you just feel comfortable with the people. And that's also despite (or maybe because of) the reasons mentioned in previous texts. None of my friends would describe themselves as homophobic, sexist or racist, but there are still devaluations of non-cis¹ hetero males, maybe a bit more subtle than before. I often notice this and it bothers me, but I don't really manage to change anything.
I guess I'm just afraid that it will be unpleasant for me or that I'll end up losing my social environment. And probably I'm often just too comfortable, because you don't like to criticize your closest friends. On top of that, I'm often not taken seriously when I criticize something. Then, I will only get some teasing and for a few nasty comments I don't put my social acceptance at risk. And I guess this is exactly where I make myself part of the problem.
By staying silent, joining in and struggling for acceptance, by dismissing sexist insults as harmless comments and ignoring my responsibility to address them, I am part of the problem.
Probably, there is not one right way to handle such friendships as a cis man. It is the responsibility of those who hold privileges in the patriarchy² to have the awkward conversations. To criticize the best friend when he makes insulting remarks, to endure the uncomfortable discussions, and to nag him that it might be time to talk about sexism again, or to think together about how to really support those affected. Often that means stepping out of your comfort zone, being talked down to, listening to taunts, and risking your reputation in the group. It will be uncomfortable, but it's necessary. And in the end, it can mean deepening friendships and moving forward together. And most importantly, it can help make life easier for FLINTA*³, who are being discriminated against by the sexist and problematic dynamics of male friendships.
❓Questions for reflection
Especially to cis boys/men:
- Do you criticize your friends for discriminatory behavior? If not, why?
- What do your male friendships & male groups look like? What binds you together?
- Do you often feel like you're competing with your friends, or often make an unspoken competition out of everyday things?
- What can you do to make your circle of friends more aware of sexism and other structural forms of discrimination? What are you already doing?
- Have you ever thought about or talked to someone about mentioned dynamics in your male friendships?
ℹ️ Explanation of terms:
¹Cisgender/cis-gender : For cisgender people, gender identity corresponds to the sex they were assigned at birth based on the social classification of their genitalia.
²FLINTA*: Women, Lesbians, Inter people, Trans people, Non-binary people, Agender people. The * asterisk indicates the constructed nature of the categories includes people who do not place themselves in one of the above categories or who are (co-)included. It is a collective term for people who are oppressed by patriarchy and/or experience patriarchal violence.
³Patriarchy Social order that gives men a privileged position in society and the family.