My best friend at school was a really nice person. He listened to me, we could talk about our feelings and he showed understanding when I told him how I suffered from the toxic behaviour of other men. Okay, he was a bit awkward, but at least he tried. But that was only when his boys weren't around. Because then he was changed. He suddenly hid his emotional side, was cold and distant towards me and laughed at sexist jokes.
For me, a sincere interest in the feelings and needs of the other person, listening and being there for each other - in short: emotional care work - make a really close friendship. I like to get to know other people with their vulnerabilities, weaknesses and honest feelings. And I am convinced that deep interpersonal relationships can only work this way. However, I have often observed that it is precisely these emotional aspects of a friendship that cis¹ men find really difficult among themselves. I have often heard cis male friends say things like "I can somehow talk about my feelings and problems better with women". Why is that actually the case?
With industrialisation², work - both women's and men's - increasingly shifted to factories. Working days became longer and more strenuous, with the result that reproductive activities³, such as household work and raising children, fell more and more by the wayside. Since no society can exist without these reproductive activities, from the middle of the 19th century women's responsibilities shifted to performing unpaid work in the household and raising children. The classic capitalist division of tasks had been created. In addition, it was also up to women to take on emotional care work for the overworked men to ensure that they were fit for work again the next day.
Now, not even 100 years later, this distribution of roles has of course not simply vanished into thin air. Today, it is still common for women to take care of men emotionally.
I have often experienced that my cis male friends talk to me about their problems as a matter of course and expect me to take care of them completely. And they do this without even asking me how I am and whether I have the emotional and mental capacity to support them.I like to be there for my (male) friends, but it annoys me when my care and listening are taken for granted.
Sure, it's also up to me to set boundaries and be clear when I don't feel like building up a friend because I'm busy with my problems, but somehow it's not that easy. I think this is mainly because patriarchy has taught us women to always be there for other people in all circumstances, to listen to them and give them space. Only through this do we earn affection from other people. In the media, too, heterosexual romantic relationships are often portrayed as women earning love and affection from men only by being there emotionally for men.
Apart from that, it is also insanely exhausting when the emotional care work is only taken on unilaterally. This becomes especially clear when I bring up my problems in friendships with cis men and then somehow the topic is changed pretty quickly. Sometimes I have the feeling - especially in feminist circles - that my cis male friends would like to give me and my problems space, but are then overwhelmed by what being there for someone looks like in concrete terms.
In order to counteract the patriarchal distribution of roles in care work and to be able to have deeper interpersonal relationships with and among cis men, I think cis men should learn to give each other the emotional support they otherwise demand, especially from FLINTA*⁴. It is also important for FLINTA* to set their own boundaries and to demand space for themselves and their own problems in friendships and relationships with cis men. It is important to say no and to understand that we are lovable even if we do not disregard our own boundaries in every situation for the good of a friend.
Instead of providing spaces for feelings, vulnerabilities and sincere conversations, the classic male friendship often provides a space for stereotypical masculinity. Those who are usually empathetic are suddenly quite different with the boys. Dominance and competition are not merely lived out here, they are celebrated and often made a prerequisite for friendship. Furthermore, masculinity is often defined by misogyny⁵, transphobia⁶ and homophobia⁷. This becomes clear, for example, when stereotypically female characteristics are devalued and seen as weaknesses in order to valorise masculinity. Anyone who does not perform a "masculine" feat is called a "pussy", anyone who behaves in an "unmanly" way is called "gay" and only those who have a penis are masculine.
Both the celebration of masculinity and the associated devaluation of everything that does not conform to the cis male heterosexual norm are of course rightly criticised by many FLINTA*. I think this is not the least of the reasons for many men's desire for the "relaxed evening with just the guys". They want to escape the criticism of living out their masculinity and don't want to see the problem in their masculinity. To then withdraw into purely cis male (and often purely heterosexual) spaces is of course totally problematic. On the one hand, it leads to problematic masculine characteristics being further strengthened undisturbed and, on the other hand, to sexist, misogynistic, transphobic and homophobic ways of thinking being consolidated and strengthened.
To then withdraw into purely cis male (and often purely heterosexual) spaces is of course totally problematic. On the one hand, it leads to problematic masculine characteristics being further strengthened undisturbed and, on the other hand, to sexist, misogynistic, transphobic and homophobic ways of thinking being consolidated and strengthened.
o counteract this, it is indispensable from a feminist perspective that men make each other aware of problematic behaviour, even when only heterosexual cis men are present. Even more; male friendships should also be used beyond that as spaces to talk about sexism and reflect on their own misbehaviour. It is important to talk about guilt and perpetration and to give space to the feelings that arise and to take them seriously. And it is especially important not to demand the space for this from FLINTA*.
❓Questions for reflection
Especially to cis boys/men:
- Who do you talk to about your problems, feelings and worries?
- In your friendships with FLINTA*, is there an imbalance in whose problems are discussed more often?
- Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed when someone close to you is feeling bad and you want to be there for them?
- Do you sometimes feel the need for an evening with the guys? If so, why & what does it change when FLINTA* are around?
- Do you make your friends aware of their problematic behavior?
- Have you ever talked to them about guilt and sexist behavior?
ℹ️ Explanation of terms:
¹Cisgender/cis-gender : For cisgender people, gender identity corresponds to the sex they were assigned at birth based on the social classification of their genitalia.
²Industrialisation/Industrial Revolution Der Begriff beschreibt den historischen Wandel, bei dem die Handarbeit zunehmend durch Maschinenarbeit abgelöst wurde. Dabei verlagerte sich der Arbeitsschwerpunkt vieler Menschen vom Agrarbereich – bzw der Landwirtschaft – zunehmend in Fabriken. Begonnen hat die industrielle Revolution in der zweiten Hälfte des 18. Jahrhunderts in Großbritannien.
³Reproductive activities: Reproduktive Tätigkeiten dienen der grundlegenden Aufrechterhaltung sozialer und ökonomischer Verhältnisse. Darunter fallen insbesondere die Kinderbetreuung, -versorgung und -erziehung sowie Haus- und Familienarbeit, aber auch Beziehungsarbeit und Hilfe unter Freund*innen. Obwohl Reproduktionsarbeit unverzichtbar für eine funktionierende Wirtschaft und Gesellschaft ist, bleibt diese meistens unbezahlt, erlangt ökonomisch und gesellschaftlich kaum Anerkennung.
⁴Patriarchat: Social order that gives men a privileged position in society and the family.
⁵FLINTA*: Women, Lesbians, Inter people, Trans people, Non-binary people, Agender people. The * asterisk indicates the constructed nature of the categories includes people who do not place themselves in one of the above categories or who are (co-)included. It is a collective term for people who are oppressed by patriarchy and/or experience patriarchal violence.
⁶Misogyny: Misogyny is the term for hatred of femininity (especially emanating from men). This is expressed, for example, by women being seen as less professional or by things associated with girls and women being seen as embarrassing or bad - e.g. Pumpkin Spiced Latte, menstruation, the colour pink, romantic films and books, emotions, etc.
⁷Trans hostility: Transfeindlichkeit bezeichnet die Diskriminierung von trans Menschen. Dies äußert sich z.B. durch Ablehnung, Wut, Intoleranz, Vorurteile, Unbehagen oder körperliche bzw. psychische Gewalt gegenüber trans Personen oder Menschen, die als trans wahrgenommen werden.
⁸Homo hostility: Homo hostility refers to discrimination against gay and lesbian people. It is expressed, for example, through rejection, anger, intolerance, prejudice, discomfort or physical or psychological violence towards gay and lesbian people or people who are perceived as gay or lesbian. We prefer the term "homo hostility" because "homophobia" sounds like it is not a free choice to discriminate against gay people. A phobia, on the other hand, is a diagnosis that is very difficult to fight.
➡️Recommendations/references
Silvia Federici: Revolution at Point Zero: Housework, Reproduction, and Feminist Struggle