Yes, consent sounds really good and is described beautifully in texts. But because we know how unfamiliar and strange it can feel to actually put it into practice, we want to share a few examples today. Get inspired, think about what you would answer, rephrase what doesn't suit you or share the text with your friends or partners!
Talking about consent
- I don't know exactly where this is going to take us yet, and I don't want to build up expectations or anything. But I would totally love to talk to you about consent before we get (even more) physical.
- I am very concerned that we feel comfortable having something together. I want to be as sure as possible that you are comfortable with what we are doing. Your feelings, needs, and boundaries are important to me. Let's talk about how we can communicate those, even while we're at it.
- I think it's totally hot when we have spontaneous and quick sex or kiss. I also don't need to be asked every step of the way then, but I think it's important that we talk about what we're going to do once beforehand. How is it with you?
- You know, I think I want to be asked before you kiss me. And also before we cuddle, you touch me or we make any other step.
- I don't have that much experience there myself, but I would really like to communicate about it with verbal agreement when we get physical.
Communicate sexual preferences and needs
- Are there things about sex that you particularly like? What doesn't feel so good to you? How would you like to communicate about that during sex?
- When we get physical, do you have something like an "order" of steps that feel right to you? What steps do you want to be asked before?
- What makes sex "good" for you? Are there things that are definitely part of it for you? What might not be part of it for you either?
- I don't have that much experience with sex yet and therefore don't know exactly what I like or don't like. But I would very much like to find out with you.
Terminology/Talking about sexual acts
- How do we want to talk about sex? Are there terms you like to use for yourself, your body and actions? Are you uncomfortable with some terms? Let's think about how we name what, so we can then talk about it.
- I kind of don't like the word "blowjob", it sounds pejorative to me and I associate it with sexist porn, can we maybe use something else?
- Penetrative sex has a weird connotation to me, do we want to maybe say " boinking" or something?
- By the way, I don't mind at all if we have little misunderstandings or something doesn't go as planned. I also like to be able to laugh about it with you. Funny sex is underrated anyway!
Insecurities
- I would find it nice to talk to you about insecurities before we have sex or go further. I would like to know what to be aware of when I touch you or talk to you and feel safer knowing that you are also being considerate of my insecurities.
- Even though I know I don't have anything to be ashamed of, I can't help it and I don't like certain things about my body. Sometimes I feel very uncomfortable in my body and then that affects whether I want to get physical.
- I would very much like to talk to you again about last night. I noticed that we kind of didn't talk that much and I realized that I would actually like that a lot better. I was also a little unsure about some things, I have to say. What does that look like for you?
- During sex I often have the feeling that I have to perform and that it's my fault if something doesn't go right away. Do you know that too?
Difficulty communicating/knowing what I want.
- Sometimes it's hard for me to know what exactly I want. Especially when things happen quickly, I actually feel the need to think again and actively decide what I actually feel like doing.
- It helps me when I'm being asked often and then I'm actually given time to think about it as well. If I don't decide right away or am unsure, please take that seriously, but don't immediately relate it to yourself. It can have very different reasons that have nothing to do with you.
- I find it very difficult, while we are at it, to address when I don't like something so much. I don't want to ruin the mood or hurt you. That's why it's important to me that we talk about how to deal with it.
Contraception & Safer Sex
- I know it's a pretty unsexy topic and honestly don't have that much experience with it. But I have heard that it actually makes sense to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. I would feel safer going back for more information on that.
- How do you want to use contraception? Who of us is actually responsible for this? How can we share this responsibility well?
Perceptions and Internalized Things
- What are your conceptions of sex? By what have they been shaped and do we want to talk about how we actually want to have sex?
- Do you feel like you have to perform in any way during sex? Do we want to talk about that?
- I think I already have stereotyped ideas of "who" has to do "what" during sex and I want to unlearn that though. Do you think we can think about that before we have sex as well?
- I feel like I'm often the person who asks if we want to do X. Should we talk about if or how we can change that?
Talking about experiences of violence
(Note: Check back in July 2022, in this text we have collected a few examples of how to (not) react when a person tells you about experiences of violence.)
- I have had experiences with sexual assault in the past that still affect me. It would help me to share them with you. Are you okay with that?
- Sometimes xyz triggers me during sex. I usually get pretty quiet then and am disconnected. I'm not good at communicating that verbally then, but maybe we can find a way to make it easier for me to communicate that to you, like a specific word I can say in a situation like that.
- When I get triggered by something, I want us to stop right away. Most of the time I just want to be hugged then, but please ask me before that.
- I have had experiences with sexual assault that result in certain triggers being set off sometimes. I don't want to share the experiences with you, but I do want to talk about how you can support me in such a situation.
Questions for intimate moments:
- Do you feel like cuddling?
- Do you want me to tickle your belly?
- I would like to kiss you. Would you like that too?
- I would enjoy it if you lay on top of me. Do you want to?
- Would you like me to touch your leg?
- Do you like that?
- Would you like to touch my butt?
- Do you feel comfortable with our legs touching?
- Is everything alright? How do you feel?
- What would you like right now?
- I think it's hot when you do _______.
- Would you like it if I _____?
- Can I take your shirt off?
- Do you want us to keep going?
- What should I look for when we do ______?
- Do you like to be touched?
When saying "No" is difficult
- Can we take a break?
- Um, hold on a second.
- Let's do that later.
- I'm not really sure right now to be honest.
- Can you do again what you did before?